Fed Up

So January has not gotten any easier for me, thank goodness it's over tomorrow! I know, I know, just the start of a different month. Name isn't going to automatically solve all my problems, but it's a nice addition. I have to apologize really quick to those of you that follow the Instagram for my blog because I haven't been very active on there. I try to keep an uplifting theme on there and here, because even though mental illness is tough I still try to be a positive version of it as much as possible and that hasn't been easy for me this month at all. So I find myself pulling away from everyone instead of talking about it. 

Going off of that trying to be positive note I always try to find something beneficial from my anxiety and what's going on in my life (as much as possible when my brain is constantly lying to me). I can even tell you positive things that have come from my panic attacks and what I've learned going forward. This month, however, everything is completely different. When I talk to my therapist I can agree that there is some positive things coming from this month of struggle, but other than that hour talking to her things have had a pretty negative outlook for me and I'm tired of it. 

I'm fed up. I'm fed up with my anxiety and depression. I'm fed up with the fact that I can be fine for months and then feel like I've never learned anything. I'm fed up with the fact that my tool bag of tricks doesn't always work. I'm fed up with having to accept the fact that sometimes you're just not okay and that's okay. I'm fed up with January because I have had more panic attacks and consumed more Xanax this month than I have in the past six months combined. I'm fed up with crying almost every day. I'm fed up with having to cancel plans. I'm fed up with feeling stuck, lost, broken. I'm fed up with feeling like I have no control. 

If you didn't gather, I'm feeling pretty fed up. Feeling fed up with my mental illness isn't a new thing for me but I can usually manage it pretty well and squash it to a healthy version of frustration. I'm trying to channel this frustration into motivation like I normally try to do, but honestly at this point I'm just trying to not be mad at myself all the time. I actually hate writing this all out to the public because I hate admitting when I'm struggling this much. It's hard when everything is going good and then it's like I've never dealt with this before, but this is what's happening. How do you explain to people that have seen you be okay for many months that all of sudden you can't stop panicking? Yeah, there are reasons this is happening, but a month ago I could successfully fight it. This is my life right now and when I started this blog I promised to share the good and the bad, luckily for me it's been majority positive but unfortunately that is not always going to be the case. 

I know this is only a minor bump in the road and in a few weeks I'll be okay and back on track, but that still doesn't change the fact that this is how I strongly feel right now. I'm just not feeling okay and even though I'm aware of that and the reasons why it's happening, it doesn't make it any easier. If any of you out there are going through a rough patch please know that you're not alone and I am 100% here if you need to talk. Don't be afraid to ask for help, I've spent a lot of time this month becoming okay with asking for help and trying not to apologize too much after I've asked (still working on this one). Shout out to my parents who I literally have had to wake up at 4 am because I am panicking and need to not be alone. For anyone who wants to help but doesn't know how, just remind the people in your life that may be struggling that you're here for them and love them and won't hate them if they have to cancel plans (this is what I think all the time, that people will hate me for essentially having anxiety). 

If you've made it this far thanks for reading this post even though it's a little more on the negative side. I appreciate you all more than I will ever be able to put into words. 

Until next time. 💜