Redefining My Roles
I always feel the need to apologize when I haven't written in forever but then I feel like why should I apologize when it's my blog and I just write when I have something to write? So basically sorry that I haven't written in a while but also not sorry because I'm trying to cut back on saying sorry unnecessarily all the time. I've been doing really good lately, fighting obstacles that have previously seemed impossible and I wouldn't even try to fight. For some reason I have a hard time figuring out how to write about the good. I don't want to seem like I'm bragging and I also don't want to jinx myself or paint this picture that I'm all better when in reality I've just had a few good days in a row. Things haven't been 100% easy for me, there have definitely been some struggles and rough moments and Xanax, but at the end of the day I've had an overall feeling of good. After this feeling lasts for a few days I start to panic. Yup, I panic because I'm feeling good. For one thing I don't really know what it's like to feel good for more than one day in a row so making progress is actually this unknown thing. Of course I want it but it is still scary. For another thing I feel like I'm not allowed to have more good days than bad days. Since I've been dealt this card I feel like that's it I'm stuck with anxiety and panic and that's just life. This is indeed the case but living with anxiety and panic doesn't have to mean living with crippling anxiety and panic every day of my life. For whatever reason though when I have a string of good days I hit this point where I feel like my luck is up and I start waiting for the other shoe to drop and the crippling anxiety and panic to set back in.
This is where redefining my roles comes in for me. No matter how many times I say I don't want other people to define me by my anxiety, which is 100% true, I'm starting to realize that subconsciously I define myself by my anxiety. It's who I am, it's what I know. I don't know how to not be the anxious one. This has come up for me a few different times in a few different ways over the past couple of weeks. I set a role for myself and then don't think I'm allowed to have any feelings or emotions other than what fit that role. Whether it's the role of worrier, caretaker, leader, perfectionist, whatever it may be I feel like that is the only option for me and I either participate by being in that role or I don't participate at all.
A few examples of some recent cases lately. My younger brother graduated from college two weeks ago and I was terrified of going to his ceremony. An outdoor graduation ceremony is a place full of anxiety triggers for me plus I have so many unresolved feelings of not being able to attend my own graduation ceremony that I didn't see how going was an option. I also felt that I had to take on the role of leader. I felt that I had to make sure everything ran smoothly and everyone else was okay which ends up taking away from my ability to check in on my own emotions and self which leads to a downward spiral I don't like experiencing. Due to all these reasons I was pretty set in my decision to not go. My therapist and I ended up spending two whole sessions just talking about this ceremony and everything surrounding it. At one point she asked me why couldn't I go and just be a background player? To which I replied I honestly don't know how. I think in truth though I felt like I wasn't allowed to. I had got it in my mind that I either attend and be the leader or I don't go at all. Well after lots of conversations with many people I decided to go. I feel like I need to mention that I wanted to go the whole time I just didn't think it was the smart or right choice. In the end though I made it through the event and didn't have to take a leadership role which allowed me to be able to check in with my own feelings and emotions. I felt like a new person.
A week later I attended the funeral for my best friend's grandmother. I had spent many times with her grandmother and have countless memories with their family, but when it came to the funeral I once again put myself in a molded role. I went to be a supporter emotionally and physically to my best friend and her family. It never crossed my mind that I was there for myself and for them because I only knew how to be in one role at a time. About halfway through the service I completely broke down because it hit me that I was really experiencing this loss too and I was allowed that. I learned that I can be a supporter and still experience my own emotions at the same time.
One more example is from yesterday. My mom had surgery on her foot and for the past few days I have been a mess. I have continuously worked myself up into a hyper panic over this procedure and had no idea how to be calm or handle any of it. My therapist and I talked about it and I was explaining how I could rationalize things and logistically think of all the reasons that I don't need to be completely panicked about this but couldn't convince my body and brain to not be terrified. I once again was placing myself in a role. The role of worrier. At one point I told my therapist I don't know how to not be the worrier. It's who I am no matter how strongly my analytical side comes out to play, at the end of the day I worry. She helped me find a way to allow myself to worry without it being a consuming fear and gave me permission to not worry if I wasn't feeling scared. My feelings won't affect the universe and if I was feeling like the surgery was going to go smoothly it was okay to feel that. (I sometimes feel like if I don't worry and then something bad happens it's my fault because I didn't think of it before hand.) If you couldn't figure it out by now I put a lot of pressure on myself in all sorts of situations.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm trying to break the mold of putting myself in these roles. I'm trying to be present and let myself feel whatever emotions come my way and try not to hold on to them when I don't need to. I like to think of the movie Inside Out, where all the emotions at the start of the movie are by themselves and Happy won't let Sadness influence the other emotions. Then by the end of the movie they figure out that memories have multiple emotions intertwined and those are the more real experiences. That is what I'm trying to achieve. Making memories with all emotions that need to be present, present.
This was a long one and if you made it this far thank you for reading! I hope you all are doing well and making progress in whatever way is right for you. I also need to put a disclaimer that my mom usually edits my blog posts because grammar is not my thing, but since she had surgery she's not up for it so sorry for the run on sentences! In the words of my mom I tend to write how I talk which is just one long stream of consciousness.
Until next time. 💜
This is where redefining my roles comes in for me. No matter how many times I say I don't want other people to define me by my anxiety, which is 100% true, I'm starting to realize that subconsciously I define myself by my anxiety. It's who I am, it's what I know. I don't know how to not be the anxious one. This has come up for me a few different times in a few different ways over the past couple of weeks. I set a role for myself and then don't think I'm allowed to have any feelings or emotions other than what fit that role. Whether it's the role of worrier, caretaker, leader, perfectionist, whatever it may be I feel like that is the only option for me and I either participate by being in that role or I don't participate at all.
A few examples of some recent cases lately. My younger brother graduated from college two weeks ago and I was terrified of going to his ceremony. An outdoor graduation ceremony is a place full of anxiety triggers for me plus I have so many unresolved feelings of not being able to attend my own graduation ceremony that I didn't see how going was an option. I also felt that I had to take on the role of leader. I felt that I had to make sure everything ran smoothly and everyone else was okay which ends up taking away from my ability to check in on my own emotions and self which leads to a downward spiral I don't like experiencing. Due to all these reasons I was pretty set in my decision to not go. My therapist and I ended up spending two whole sessions just talking about this ceremony and everything surrounding it. At one point she asked me why couldn't I go and just be a background player? To which I replied I honestly don't know how. I think in truth though I felt like I wasn't allowed to. I had got it in my mind that I either attend and be the leader or I don't go at all. Well after lots of conversations with many people I decided to go. I feel like I need to mention that I wanted to go the whole time I just didn't think it was the smart or right choice. In the end though I made it through the event and didn't have to take a leadership role which allowed me to be able to check in with my own feelings and emotions. I felt like a new person.
A week later I attended the funeral for my best friend's grandmother. I had spent many times with her grandmother and have countless memories with their family, but when it came to the funeral I once again put myself in a molded role. I went to be a supporter emotionally and physically to my best friend and her family. It never crossed my mind that I was there for myself and for them because I only knew how to be in one role at a time. About halfway through the service I completely broke down because it hit me that I was really experiencing this loss too and I was allowed that. I learned that I can be a supporter and still experience my own emotions at the same time.
One more example is from yesterday. My mom had surgery on her foot and for the past few days I have been a mess. I have continuously worked myself up into a hyper panic over this procedure and had no idea how to be calm or handle any of it. My therapist and I talked about it and I was explaining how I could rationalize things and logistically think of all the reasons that I don't need to be completely panicked about this but couldn't convince my body and brain to not be terrified. I once again was placing myself in a role. The role of worrier. At one point I told my therapist I don't know how to not be the worrier. It's who I am no matter how strongly my analytical side comes out to play, at the end of the day I worry. She helped me find a way to allow myself to worry without it being a consuming fear and gave me permission to not worry if I wasn't feeling scared. My feelings won't affect the universe and if I was feeling like the surgery was going to go smoothly it was okay to feel that. (I sometimes feel like if I don't worry and then something bad happens it's my fault because I didn't think of it before hand.) If you couldn't figure it out by now I put a lot of pressure on myself in all sorts of situations.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm trying to break the mold of putting myself in these roles. I'm trying to be present and let myself feel whatever emotions come my way and try not to hold on to them when I don't need to. I like to think of the movie Inside Out, where all the emotions at the start of the movie are by themselves and Happy won't let Sadness influence the other emotions. Then by the end of the movie they figure out that memories have multiple emotions intertwined and those are the more real experiences. That is what I'm trying to achieve. Making memories with all emotions that need to be present, present.
This was a long one and if you made it this far thank you for reading! I hope you all are doing well and making progress in whatever way is right for you. I also need to put a disclaimer that my mom usually edits my blog posts because grammar is not my thing, but since she had surgery she's not up for it so sorry for the run on sentences! In the words of my mom I tend to write how I talk which is just one long stream of consciousness.
Until next time. 💜
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