Dancing Through Anxiety

So I just got my first Therabox and to say I'm obsessed is an understatement! I stumbled across Therabox first on Instagram and immediately fell in love with this company. Therabox is a monthly subscription box filled with all sorts of goodies for self love and care. This month's theme was Thanks & Giving and is filled with so many wonderful products that promote self care and me-time! I'm going to give you the inside scoop on all the products so you can fall in love with Therabox too!  I think this gratitude jar from The Happy Shoppe might just be my favorite product from this month's box. Last November I wrote three things down in my journal every day that I was thankful for and I can't wait to do the same this year but instead using this cute jar. I love the idea of having one go-to place of all things I'm thankful for, that way when I need a pick me up all I have to do is pick a note out of the jar and be reminded of everything I have to be thankfu...

So I'm currently in a time of depression and it's not fun at all. I feel like a broken record when the depression hits again. Yes I was doing great and probably the best I've been in a while and now I'm depressed, again. I hate admitting it. I hate saying it to others. I hate that I know it's happening but I still just have to get through it. There is no quick fix to snap out of my depression, at least that I've figured out yet, and that is frustrating. I just feel so small and that every single thing is just the biggest obstacle. I feel like a burden for once again being in a low point. I feel like there's a limit to how much help I can receive and how long people are willing to put up with me and that every time I sink back into a depression I get closer to that tank running out. I project all the frustration and annoyance at myself for "letting myself get depressed again" onto everyone else and have a hard time believing that anyone wants to j...

When I had my first panic attack a little over two years ago I thought I was dying. There is no better way to describe it, even though we have no idea what death actually feels like. I couldn't breathe and I was convinced this was the end. It was scary and horrifying and a tad bit embarrassing. Once you recover and realize you aren't actually dying and you are actually breathing, it feels like you should have been able to know that in the moment too. However, if you've ever experienced a panic attack then you understand this is hardly the case. After the first one happened I never wanted to experience that feeling again. I wouldn't want anyone to experience that feeling, even my own worst enemy. Unfortunately, though, they kept happening and even more unfortunately, they got worse. If I thought the first one was bad I was mistaken, although at least now I knew what was going on. I always thought, though, that if I had the answer to why something was happening or what ...

So I've been doing really well lately and making a lot of progress. I've gained confidence and hope that I will once again be able to live the life I want to live. I'm obviously not there yet but I've been able to do more and more things and survive tough situations that have previously seemed impossible. Whenever I'm doing good I tend to not know what to write about in my blog posts. For one thing, I don't want to seem like I'm bragging about doing well because even through the good days I am almost always struggling with something. The other thing is that I don't want to be seen as doing well and then not be believed when I'm struggling or fall into a down moment. Basically to sum it up I have a huge fear surrounding making progress.  With every good day that passes and every bad moment I make it through comes excitement, but that excitement also comes followed by fear that it's all going to end soon. I feel like I am almost always waiting ...

Now that I've gotten my mental health somewhat under control, at least in terms of panic attacks and being able to handle my day to day anxiety, I've realized just how badly I need to spend some time focusing on my physical health. The problem is I have no idea what to do and I still need to be able to take care of my mental health along the way. When it comes to working out and being healthy I have zero motivation and then when I actually do find motivation I'm so out of shape that I can't do very much before I'm completely worn out. There are a few things I'm trying to incorporate into my daily life to help me form healthy habits that will hopefully lead me to becoming a healthier version of myself, both mentally and physically.  1. Watching Calories - Now this is something that I know can not always be helpful. I'm not going to starve myself if I'm hungry but I have no calories left for the day. This is more of a way to hold myself accountable to ea...

I always feel the need to apologize when I haven't written in forever but then I feel like why should I apologize when it's my blog and I just write when I have something to write? So basically sorry that I haven't written in a while but also not sorry because I'm trying to cut back on saying sorry unnecessarily all the time. I've been doing really good lately, fighting obstacles that have previously seemed impossible and I wouldn't even try to fight. For some reason I have a hard time figuring out how to write about the good. I don't want to seem like I'm bragging and I also don't want to jinx myself or paint this picture that I'm all better when in reality I've just had a few good days in a row. Things haven't been 100% easy for me, there have definitely been some struggles and rough moments and Xanax, but at the end of the day I've had an overall feeling of good. After this feeling lasts for a few days I start to panic. Yup, I pani...

I just finished reading Hi, Anxiety - Life With a Bad Case of Nerves by Kat Kinsman and loved it. Reading is something that I love to do. I'm always in the middle of a book, if not multiple books, and feel incomplete when I'm not. Reading books about other people's experiences with mental health has been one thing that has helped me out a lot throughout my journey so far. Battling an illness can feel so lonely and it's sometimes easier to just go at by yourself than try to find the words that accurately explain how you're feeling to others. That's why I love books like this so much because these authors have found a way to put my feelings into words that I can share with others and have also reassured me that I really am not alone. For me personally something I struggle with is feeling completely unlovable because of my illness in all types of relationships in my life. One of my fears is that I will never find a guy who will love me for me, anxiousness and all...

As I explained last week I've been feeling on more of an uphill climb into the world of a "normal" human being. With this comes the confusion of feeling good then not good, feeling capable and then needing rest. Basically I have to continuously test and push my limits to see what I'm ready and not ready for. It's a lot of back and forth and honestly sometimes it can be pretty frustrating but it's a necessary step in my journey of progress. This weekend I had the chance to volunteer at the Strawberry Festival 🍓🍓which takes place in my hometown every Memorial Day Weekend. This was a pretty big test for myself and my limits. Not only did I commit to four days in a row of doing something, it was also going to be in a place full of triggers for me: crowds, outside weather, set time periods, responsibility. I knew that I could do it for at least one of the events but helping for all four days was going to be a stretch for me so I was a little nervous. The differen...

Wow has it been a while! I have to apologize for the lack of posting recently but I've been making some great steps forward and wasn't sure how to write about them. I've been feeling on the brink of a good progress for a while now but still felt nervous about it and didn't know how to live in the moment and let it happen.  It all started when I realized a common factor in my life was that I would panic during the car ride to somewhere and then would either have to fight through a panic attack or turn around and go home. I was missing out on things I wanted to do and couldn't figure out how to conquer this until I found a way to take back control. I realized (with the help of my therapist of course) that one of the reasons I would panic during car rides is because I had this fear that if I was in a really bad place whoever was driving the car wouldn't listen to me and wouldn't do what I needed to be done, whether that was to pull over, turn around, etc. Aft...

So I've been in this kind of weird place lately, where I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff trying to jump across to safety, but in a good way. Crazy right? Let me explain. I've come to the point where it feels like I'm ready to take a big leap in my progress, and through working on conquering these panic attacks that have moved from my mind to my body, I should be moving into the direction of connecting my mind and body and handling my anxiety with more ease. I'm not quite there yet but I can feel it coming, so that's where I get that feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. I'm preparing to jump, but I'm not quite ready yet, because I haven't finished building up my tools to believe that I can successfully make the jump without letting myself fall. I don't really know if this makes sense to any of you out there, but when my therapist and I had a conversation about this I felt that it perfectly described the unease but hope I am fe...

I have to apologize once again for being so MIA lately. I had an exciting volunteer opportunity that I was really focused on and then my body caught some type of stomach bug that has caused me to do nothing but relax and reset the past few days. Along with this I had no idea what I wanted to write about. I had multiple ideas but nothing was taking form in my mind and I always feel like I can't post my thoughts until they are these grand posts of wisdom and experience. I know that's a little ridiculous but, hey, it's what happens in my mind. Anyways, I thought I would catch you all up on what's been going on and what I'm trying to really focus on.  As I said earlier, I had an exciting volunteer opportunity come up. Well actually, I made it happen, which is also super exciting. Through therapy and getting to know myself better, I've developed a more clear vision of what I want to do with my life and one night I was searching the internet when I couldn't slee...

Although it has become quite obvious to me that I have been struggling with anxiety my whole life, I always say that my current journey started from not knowing how to grieve. Who knows if this is true or not but as someone who likes to have answers it was easier for me to have something to blame. It's hard because as a perfectionist I imagine there to be some sore of guideline for everything in life including grieving, but as we all know that's not a thing. Everyone grieves differently, everyone handles loss differently, and even if you have a grip on it somehow it manages to still sneak up on you at the most random of times.  Grief is something I've obviously struggled with over the last couple of years. It has seemed to consume me but never decrease at all. I'm someone who needs to talk and cry through my feelings but I tend to feel like that's not allowed so instead I just sit there and focus on how sad I am and find myself going through the motions of life ...

I just want to start off by apologizing for my lack of new posts in the last couple of weeks. I've been feeling a tad bit lost (more so than normal) but just haven't been able to figure out why. I didn't know how to write about it so I just didn't (so sorry!). However, now I feel like I've gotten a little bit of an understanding on why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling and am ready to share it with you all.  For the most part, after my start of the year slump I've been doing great. I began really healing from my grief instead of being stuck in the processing stage. I've been able to bounce back from my low dips faster than ever and I've felt an underlying feeling of hope. Not all days I feel hopeful, probably not even most days, but it is there underneath my emotions which is so nice to feel. As I keep progressing, though, I've found myself irritated, on edge, and above all scared. I can't help but get frustrated over this bec...

Happy 1st anniversary to Dancing Through Anxiety! I  can't believe it but today marks one year since I published my first blog post!!  It's crazy to think that I have been publishing my thoughts for you all to read for an entire year now. When I first thought of starting a blog I thought that I would maybe make a few posts and a few people would read it. I've made 38 posts (not quite one a week but I'll take it) and have had readers from all over the world. I  have found so much help and healing from writing these posts and connecting with other people in similar situations or people wanting to support those in similar situations.  Am I where I thought I would be at this point in time? Absolutely not. Am I learning to be okay with that? Absolutely.  I've finally entered a part in my mental health recovery that I feel like I am finally healing from my grief, I have somewhat of a  grip on my anxiety/depression, and am hopeful and encouraged  tha...

So as you all most likely know by now things haven't been going so well for me. I just recently in about the last week have been starting to feel myself make my way back to where I was before my January and part of February low point. I want to do a post about the healing I've been feeling this January compared with times in the past but I'm not quite ready to write that, so instead I thought I would write a little bit about how I survived my down point. The most important thing I could do was stay busy but since I was feeling depressed I had to find ways to stay busy within the comfort of my home. These activities needed to be simple  enough to do in a depressed state of mind but also entertaining enough to distract me and make me want to do them. I thought I would share some of the hobbies that worked for me with you all.  Reading : I am an avid reader so this is usually my go to activity. It gets me out of the craziness that can be my mind for a while but it doesn...

So January has not gotten any easier for me, thank goodness it's over tomorrow! I know, I know, just the start of a different month. Name isn't going to automatically solve all my problems, but it's a nice addition. I have to apologize really quick to those of you that follow the Instagram for my blog because I haven't been very active on there. I try to keep an uplifting theme on there and here, because even though mental illness is tough I still try to be a positive version of it as much as possible and that hasn't been easy for me this month at all. So I find myself pulling away from everyone instead of talking about it.  Going off of that trying to be positive note I always try to find something beneficial from my anxiety and what's going on in my life (as much as possible when my brain is constantly lying to me). I can even tell you positive things that have come from my panic attacks and what I've learned going forward. This month, however, everyth...

So if you've been following along with my blog or social media you've probably seen that I've been having a hard time lately.  January and also sometimes into February tend to be a hard time for me in general, so although this wasn't completely unexpected, it still sucks. Between becoming a year older, starting a new year, birthday anniversaries of loved ones I've lost along with their death anniversaries, it's been tough for me to not feel sad all the time. I've just felt reminded of how much my life has changed and in some cases how it is not at all where I expected I would be or even where I want to be. Then you add on to that all the grief that comes with remembering loved ones who are no longer with me and the struggle becomes even worse. Grief is such a difficult concept for me because there is not a right and wrong way to grieve. As a business major, perfectionist, and gold personality, I strive in environments that have guidelines and right wa...