Conquering Changes

So I've been in this kind of weird place lately, where I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff trying to jump across to safety, but in a good way. Crazy right? Let me explain. I've come to the point where it feels like I'm ready to take a big leap in my progress, and through working on conquering these panic attacks that have moved from my mind to my body, I should be moving into the direction of connecting my mind and body and handling my anxiety with more ease. I'm not quite there yet but I can feel it coming, so that's where I get that feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. I'm preparing to jump, but I'm not quite ready yet, because I haven't finished building up my tools to believe that I can successfully make the jump without letting myself fall. I don't really know if this makes sense to any of you out there, but when my therapist and I had a conversation about this I felt that it perfectly described the unease but hope I am feeling. The best thing I can do for this right now is be gentle on myself and build up that feeling of trust between my mind and body, so I know that if anything goes wrong I will be there to catch myself and keep myself safe. It's also, in a way, jumping from the cliff of being a child to the cliff of being an adult, because this is the step where I'm really going to be jumping away from the safety of my parents taking care of me and into the comfort of knowing I can take care of myself. It honestly seems so scary, but I know my body wouldn't be bringing these feelings up if it wasn't the next step for me to take. 

As I've been dealing with this, I felt in a pretty good and stable place for the most part so, of course, I had to be dealt a blow from the universe. I've been working from home as an independent contractor for a company and that's where I've been getting my little income from. Well, this past Sunday, as I was out conquering some challenges, I got an email saying that I'm no longer needed on the project anymore. Although I understand that I was on the project for a year, and it wasn't my work but just that I have been on it long enough, I still quickly spiraled, but in a very controlled way. I started freaking out because this is my only income, which I use to help my parents pay my student loans; but not only that, it was something that helped me to feel "normal". I felt like I was contributing and still had some sense of purpose and then it all left and at a point where I was just starting to feel good about things. I know this isn't the end of the world, but it was something I wasn't expecting at all and now have to work through. Maybe it's a good thing and it's making room for better things to come, maybe it's not. I guess I will just have to wait and see. It was, however, a reminder that I am going to have to face these unexpected circumstances throughout life and that the only thing I can control is how I handle them. 

With that being said, if anyone knows of any work from home opportunities let me know. I would love to hear how you all deal with the unexpected, and if any of you have ever felt this standing on the edge of a cliff feeling? 

Until next time. 💜

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