Testing My Limits

As I explained last week I've been feeling on more of an uphill climb into the world of a "normal" human being. With this comes the confusion of feeling good then not good, feeling capable and then needing rest. Basically I have to continuously test and push my limits to see what I'm ready and not ready for. It's a lot of back and forth and honestly sometimes it can be pretty frustrating but it's a necessary step in my journey of progress. This weekend I had the chance to volunteer at the Strawberry Festival 🍓🍓which takes place in my hometown every Memorial Day Weekend. This was a pretty big test for myself and my limits. Not only did I commit to four days in a row of doing something, it was also going to be in a place full of triggers for me: crowds, outside weather, set time periods, responsibility. I knew that I could do it for at least one of the events but helping for all four days was going to be a stretch for me so I was a little nervous. The difference between this time around and previous times where I've pushed myself is that this time I was full of confidence. I knew I could do this and I wanted to do this so I was willing to do whatever it took to prove to myself that I could. That's another big difference that I've felt in myself recently is that I'm not doing things anymore to prove to others that I'm capable but instead I'm doing them to prove to myself that I am capable and strong. 

I thought I would take some time to break down the weekend for you and explain just how exactly I was able to survive because trust me it did take a lot of work and planning to be able to make it through the weekend. I first off want to take a moment to say thank you to my super star parents who were there for me this whole weekend. My mom went to every event with me to make sure I was okay and stood in the background in case I began to spiral. I thought I could do this on my own but I quickly realized that because I was pushing myself so much I definitely could breathe easier having her near in case I needed it. My dad was just a phone call away and helped talk me down in one of my moments of spiral while also cheering me on and reminding me how very capable I was of doing what I wanted to do. Without them this weekend would probably not have been possible. I am gaining so much confidence in myself but having them there to take over with cheering me on when the doubt starts to creep in means more to me than I will ever be able to eloquently put into words.

Friday afternoon was my first event and I'm not going to lie I was pretty nervous. Now these events I was working are the contests the festival holds and volunteering at these is nothing new to me. I've volunteered in the past in a different position but I was in a different place back then and didn't have my mental illness attempting to run the show. Before I left I packed a bag full of essentials for me when I'm pushing myself: water, snacks, ice packs, stress ball, and my emergency Xanax. Once I arrived though I quickly jumped into volunteer mode and handled the event with ease. One day down, three days to go!

Saturday morning my mom and I went to the parade for the festival (which happens to be at the end of our street) which I was also nervous about. If you know me you know that I have never been a morning person and this has only gotten wore with my increased inability to sleep. I was in the parade for many years and was excited about actually getting to watch for once instead of being in it so I rolled myself out of bed, grabbed my bag of essentials, and went to the parade. We didn't make it through the whole thing because the sun started to come out and I don't do very well in the heat so we headed back home but I was proud of myself for knowing my body enough and being able to listen to what it was telling me. After a necessary nap, Saturday evening brought another contest and more volunteering. My parents came along with my uncle and his girlfriend and were going to walk around the festival while I worked the event. I was totally okay with this since the day before went so smoothly and I always do better later in the day. They dropped me off and went and walked around and everything was fine, until it wasn't. I quickly spiraled and then continued to even more when they weren't texting me back. I finally got a hold of my dad who calmed me down and reassured me that my mom was headed back my way. After she came back I was good to go for the rest of the evening. 

Sunday was the day things got a little shaky. Sunday morning was an early one (for me) but I surprisingly was awake and out the door when I needed to be. Sunday morning's event went smoothly and I was feeling good to head back later in the day for another event. I came home and took a nap and when I woke up things were weird. I was very delirious and didn't quite know what I was saying or what was going on. My parents put their foot down and decided that I would be going nowhere Sunday night except for back to bed. I was thankful for this later but in the moment I couldn't have told you how I was feeling. Looking back though my body was desperately crying for rest and I didn't have the ability to listen to it and am so thankful my parents stepped in. 

Monday morning (the last day!) went as smoothly as it could for another early morning. After the morning's event my parents and I walked around the festival and looked at all the booths because that's one of our favorite things to do every year. I started to feel a little bit out of it by the time we left but had enough energy to go get some lunch before heading home. During the car ride to lunch though some spiraling began and after changing our destination many times we ended up stopping and picking up Quiznos to take back home because I could barely move and felt sick to my stomach. After making it back home and quickly eating I fell asleep for a much needed nap before rallying for a birthday dinner for my brother. 

Looking back on this I'm simultaneously super proud of myself and also embarrassed that this took so much effort and energy for me to do. Overall though I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I made it through and listened to my body along the way. I'm happiest when I'm helping others and a whole weekend of volunteering is exactly what I needed to help keep my confidence and positive vibes up. If you didn't already guess it I have spent the last two days recovering but I am so excited to see what these next few weeks hold for me.

Until next time. 💜