Fear of Progress

So I've been doing really well lately and making a lot of progress. I've gained confidence and hope that I will once again be able to live the life I want to live. I'm obviously not there yet but I've been able to do more and more things and survive tough situations that have previously seemed impossible. Whenever I'm doing good I tend to not know what to write about in my blog posts. For one thing, I don't want to seem like I'm bragging about doing well because even through the good days I am almost always struggling with something. The other thing is that I don't want to be seen as doing well and then not be believed when I'm struggling or fall into a down moment. Basically to sum it up I have a huge fear surrounding making progress. 

 With every good day that passes and every bad moment I make it through comes excitement, but that excitement also comes followed by fear that it's all going to end soon. I feel like I am almost always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems impossible that after about two years of my good days being temporary it doesn't make sense to me that I could actually be breaking down some walls and making a more permanent step in the right direction. I know this doesn't really make sense, because through every struggle I survive I am adding more tools to my tool kit, so it is almost impossible for me to go back to the bad place I think I'm going to slip into. Yet the fear is still there and stays there. It is not always the forefront of my thoughts, but quite often at the end of the day I sit and wonder if tomorrow will be the day that brings the end of the good days and puts me back into depression. 

 I don't totally know what to do with this fear. I mean obviously I want it gone but it isn't overwhelming all of my thoughts. Part of me wants to use it as motivation to keep going but then i don't want the fear of not being okay to be the reason I'm doing okay, because having bad days is inevitable and I don't want to beat myself up when they do happen. I don't even know how to fully explain this fear because it seems silly. Why am I afraid of getting what I want? I guess it's just mainly because for the past two-ish years my sole focus has been on surviving and now that I am capable of not only surviving but doing more I don't know how to enter this new definition of my daily life. 

 Has anyone else ever felt fear surrounding making the progress you've been dreaming of making? How did you handle it? I would love to hear any and all advice you would send my way. 

 Until next time. 💜

Comments

  1. Christine SAugust 29, 2018 at 9:21 PM

    I feel this every day. I'm currently spending countless hours and thousands of dollars, working on completing a grad program that will get me to my "dream career." I think my fear comes from being a planner. I like to make goals and plan out how I'm going to get there, but I often wonder, "What if my 'dream career' isn't what I thought it was? What if I'm bad at my 'dream career'?" I fear progressing to a life that I am unfamiliar with, to a future that is full of unknowns. I keep telling myself that progress, no matter how big or small or forwards or backwards, is getting me to be a better me. I remind myself to enjoy the journey (and its ups and the downs) that this progress is taking me on, and to remember the things I'm grateful for. I've found that practicing gratitude on a daily basis has really helped me stay present and not dwell on the unknowns of the future as much!

    I hope this helps! I'm cheering for you every step of your journey!

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    Replies
    1. Christy GentaAugust 31, 2018 at 2:54 PM

      I hope you know how much you inspire me and how thankful I am to have you in my life! I can only imagine the fear that comes from that big of a change but I hope someday to find what I’m passionate about and make it happen just like you are. You’re right that any progress is a good thing and if you ever feel uncertain about it I’m right here to help remind you of the awesome person you are.

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