Processing vs Healing

Although it has become quite obvious to me that I have been struggling with anxiety my whole life, I always say that my current journey started from not knowing how to grieve. Who knows if this is true or not but as someone who likes to have answers it was easier for me to have something to blame. It's hard because as a perfectionist I imagine there to be some sore of guideline for everything in life including grieving, but as we all know that's not a thing. Everyone grieves differently, everyone handles loss differently, and even if you have a grip on it somehow it manages to still sneak up on you at the most random of times. 

Grief is something I've obviously struggled with over the last couple of years. It has seemed to consume me but never decrease at all. I'm someone who needs to talk and cry through my feelings but I tend to feel like that's not allowed so instead I just sit there and focus on how sad I am and find myself going through the motions of life overwhelmed by grief. (Also known as my depression) I've spent so much time saying I'm processing my grief or I don't know how to process my grief and for the longest time I felt no progress. That all changed recently. I've finally felt like I have moved on from processing into the healing part of loss. The moment that really helped me experience a big change was when I was finally able to move on from focusing on the event of losing someone and switch my focus on to all the years I had with them. I know, I know this is one of the first things people say to you when you lose someone. "Sorry for your loss, think of all the happy times you had together." In that moment though, at least for me, that was an impossible task and honestly I had to focus on the loss before I was able to even appreciate the good. 

This is where I feel that I am at right now along with so many other important progress points in my journey (more on that at another time) I feel that I have finally begun to change from processing my grief to healing my grief and wow does it feel great. I think the most important thing I did to help me make this change was give myself permission. I had to give myself permission to feel sad over the fact that they are gone and also give myself permission to remember them in happy ways and understand that it doesn't mean I miss them any less. 

Grief is such a tough thing and I know that it is not as simple as this post makes it seem but I'm happy to finally feel like I can get through this and will have a better idea of how to get through it in the future. 

Until next time💜