Dancing Through Anxiety

I feel like when I write my posts I tend to take on a positive tone even when I'm talking about my times of depression. I wanted to do something a little different and show you all what my thoughts are like when I'm really struggling. I don't want your pity or anything, I just want to show you how it is for me on my bad days. How depression is real, and how my thoughts turn negative when it's a rough day. I found some entries I wrote in my journal from some really bad days I have had and thought I would share them. I wanted to give an example of the true thoughts that run through my mind during the bad days to show you what people with a mental illness have to overcome on a daily basis. Just a disclaimer, this is really vulnerable and completely out of my comfort zone. I have an easy time sharing my progress and my good days or even reflecting back on my bad days but this is different. This is an inside look into exactly what my brain was going through during a de...

Wow it seems like forever since I've written. I was off enjoying a wonderful vacation with my mom, visiting a bunch of different family up in Northern California. Although I got back last week, I needed some time after my vacation to collect myself and try very hard not to slip in to a depression after all the energy I spent. I've been doing really good lately and making a ton of progress. I've been leaving the house more and even started driving again after a year and a half of only being able to handle being a passenger. The thing that is hardest for me in pretty much anything I do lately is keeping momentum. I'll be good for a few days and then will hit a rough patch and have a hard time getting back up on my feet. So to help work on getting to a place of regularity and continuous progress I've made some goals to help keep me on a positive path.   The hard thing for me is that I have so many things I want to work on and I want to fix all of them at once. One...

Or for us single people insert the word friends or family for boyfriend  Now that I've got my anxiety semi under wraps I've been focusing a lot more on my depression. This is also due to the fact that I can recognize now when I'm feeling depressed, whereas I couldn't do that in the past. The hardest thing though is that I don't want to focus on my depression. To focus on it is in my opinion to accept it and I have a very hard time accepting that I go through times of depression. I'm starting to realize though that I can't just push it away when it comes or try to ignore it, because then it is just going to become bigger and want more attention. Just like when learning how to deal with my anxiety, I had discovered I had to create a relationship with my anxiety instead of just getting rid of it, I need to do the same thing for my depression. To me though this is so much more difficult. With anxiety the worst that would happen is that I would have a ...

Having depression and anxiety is hard and it sucks. There are obvious reasons why mental illness is no fun, but one of the hardest things for me right now on my journey in fighting this is how selfish I have to be. I have to work on myself; because, whether I like it or not, I am the only one who can fight the monster that often takes residence in my head. I have to spend my days working on myself and checking in with myself to make sure I'm okay. Not only do I not get to do a majority of the stuff I want to do because my body has other plans, but I also don't really get to be the person I want to be. I used to pride myself on the kind of person I was, whether it was in the role of daughter, sister, friend, mentor, or so on. A relationship is two sided, full of give and take, where both people benefit. At this point in time, I feel like I'm failing at that. I feel like I'm a bad daughter, sister, friend, etc. I feel like I just take and don't have anything to...

From June 23rd to July 2nd I found myself in downtown Fresno for ten days of Miss California. It has honestly taken me this long to recover, and when I look back on that time my first thought is, "Wow! I survived," usually followed by, "How in the world did I do that?" Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and I am so glad I went, but I would be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. I thought I would share with you all what it was like for me to be there and how I survived the ups and the downs.   When my mom and I arrived in Fresno on Friday, it was a lovely 109 degrees out and I immediately wondered what I got myself into. I knew it was going to be hot, but thinking about it being hot and then actually walking into this heat even for just five minutes is a completely different story. Shortly after we arrived in Fresno, we went on a trip to the local Target and this is the first obstacle I faced. We went to Target before we had the chance to unpack s...

Wow it has been a long time since I've written a post and I have really missed it these past couple of weeks! I have so much to share with you all especially about how I survived Miss California week but I'm just not ready. I would be lying if I said I wasn't struggling right now and I told you I would share the good and the bad with you so here's a glimpse into the bad. I feel pretty stuck right now. I'm struggling to see my worth. I'm struggling to convince myself I'm not pointless. I'm struggling to believe this is something I'll really learn to live with. I'm struggling to understand how I will ever manage to live the life I want to live. I'm struggling to see how I will ever again be the independent strong person I used to be. Im struggling to see how I will ever be a role model. I'm struggling to see how I'm not just wasting my life away and everyone else's time that has to deal with me. I feel it's important to not...

I have a mental illness. I am not defined by my mental illness but I definitely have one. If you've read any of my other blog posts you're probably thinking something along the lines of "are you really just figuring this out?". Obviously I know that anxiety, panic disorder, and depression are forms of mental illness. I even address them as my illnesses. The thing is I've never felt mentally ill until recently. When I was sick last week my defenses were down so of course my negative thoughts and inner critic were in full swing. This wasn't a new feeling for me but what was a new feeling is that I felt mentally ill. For the first time I could look at myself and think something isn't right in my mind right now. My therapist helped explain it to me so hopefully what she said will help me make more sense to you all. Previous times when I've been depressed or especially anxious I was so wrapped up in those feelings that they felt completely normal ...