An Inside Look

I feel like when I write my posts I tend to take on a positive tone even when I'm talking about my times of depression. I wanted to do something a little different and show you all what my thoughts are like when I'm really struggling. I don't want your pity or anything, I just want to show you how it is for me on my bad days. How depression is real, and how my thoughts turn negative when it's a rough day. I found some entries I wrote in my journal from some really bad days I have had and thought I would share them. I wanted to give an example of the true thoughts that run through my mind during the bad days to show you what people with a mental illness have to overcome on a daily basis.

Just a disclaimer, this is really vulnerable and completely out of my comfort zone. I have an easy time sharing my progress and my good days or even reflecting back on my bad days but this is different. This is an inside look into exactly what my brain was going through during a depression. These were the thoughts I was fighting and these were the thoughts that I had to learn to tell myself were lies. Just to note, these entries were from about a year ago when things were really bad so these thoughts aren't as constant any more, but there are definitely days when they return. This is hard for me and it's almost embarrassing to admit that I've even ever thought things like this but I feel it's important to share them with you.

"I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like myself. I feel stuck. I feel lost. I don't get why this has to happen to me. I feel weak and defeated. I want help. I want answers. I want justification. I want to be better. I want to be happy. I want to be back to normal. I want to function properly. I feel broken and confused. I feel crazy. I feel guilty. I feel embarrassed. I don't know how to help myself. I don't know how to motivate myself to get better. I'm frustrated and mad. I don't want to feel like this but I don't know how to change. What do I do?"
"I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to feel this way. Every time I think I'm doing okay my body is right there laughing at me trying to do stuff. How do I love myself when I'm my biggest enemy? How do I have friends when I can't even get myself to leave the house. I'm 23 years old and I'm scared all the time. I hate being alone but there are times when here is no other choice. When will it all be okay? When will I be okay? I don't even know what that feels like anymore. I don't like this version of myself. I'm trying to accept that it is just a bump in the road and I just needed to slow down but how do I know when I'm capable to speed back up? How do I know it won't just happen again? How do I deal with it now? How do I deal with it in the future? I just want to move on from this and get on with living my life."

Like I said earlier, even though these were written about a year ago, there are definitely still days now where I could have easily written the same thing. My depression brings thoughts of the same kind, usually filled with fear and self-doubt. As much as I hate looking back and knowing that there are days that I felt like this, in a weird way it is also nice to be able to read these thoughts. I can look at them and see the lies and hopefully use that to help me better prepare for the next time they may come invading my brain. They also help me see how far I've come, because even though these thoughts still sometimes cross my mind, they have become so temporary compared to the permanent residence they used to hold. I highly encourage anyone going through mental illness, or just anyone in general, to keep a journal. Write in it every day, once a week, once a month, or just whenever you feel the need, but write in it. There is something so helpful to being able to read back how you were feeling, especially at a time when you didn't particularly feel in control.

Until next time. 💜 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fear of Progress

Image
So I've been doing really well lately and making a lot of progress. I've gained confidence and hope that I will once again be able to live the life I want to live. I'm obviously not there yet but I've been able to do more and more things and survive tough situations that have previously seemed impossible. Whenever I'm doing good I tend to not know what to write about in my blog posts. For one thing, I don't want to seem like I'm bragging about doing well because even through the good days I am almost always struggling with something. The other thing is that I don't want to be seen as doing well and then not be believed when I'm struggling or fall into a down moment. Basically to sum it up I have a huge fear surrounding making progress.  With every good day that passes and every bad moment I make it through comes excitement, but that excitement also comes followed by fear that it's all going to end soon. I feel like I am almost always waiting ...
Read more

An Introduction

Image
Hello friends and welcome to my blog! This blog is all about my journey and struggle dealing with anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. I've found so much comfort over the past year hearing stories from people going through what I'm going through and knowing I'm not alone. I've always found so much joy in helping others and hope that by sharing my story I can help at least one person feel less alone through their experience with this illness. That being said, I can't guarantee you will relate to everything I say, that this will be a light-hearted and happy blog, or that I won't eventually run out of things to say, but I can guarantee that I will be 100% honest and real with you through the good and the bad.  Who Am I You Ask?   For those of you who don't know me, my name is Christy (actually if we're going by legal names my name is Christine) and I am currently 24 years old. I recently graduated from Chapman University with my BS in Business...
Read more

Fed Up

So January has not gotten any easier for me, thank goodness it's over tomorrow! I know, I know, just the start of a different month. Name isn't going to automatically solve all my problems, but it's a nice addition. I have to apologize really quick to those of you that follow the Instagram for my blog because I haven't been very active on there. I try to keep an uplifting theme on there and here, because even though mental illness is tough I still try to be a positive version of it as much as possible and that hasn't been easy for me this month at all. So I find myself pulling away from everyone instead of talking about it.  Going off of that trying to be positive note I always try to find something beneficial from my anxiety and what's going on in my life (as much as possible when my brain is constantly lying to me). I can even tell you positive things that have come from my panic attacks and what I've learned going forward. This month, however, everyth...
Read more