Always A Burden

Having depression and anxiety is hard and it sucks. There are obvious reasons why mental illness is no fun, but one of the hardest things for me right now on my journey in fighting this is how selfish I have to be. I have to work on myself; because, whether I like it or not, I am the only one who can fight the monster that often takes residence in my head. I have to spend my days working on myself and checking in with myself to make sure I'm okay. Not only do I not get to do a majority of the stuff I want to do because my body has other plans, but I also don't really get to be the person I want to be.

I used to pride myself on the kind of person I was, whether it was in the role of daughter, sister, friend, mentor, or so on. A relationship is two sided, full of give and take, where both people benefit. At this point in time, I feel like I'm failing at that. I feel like I'm a bad daughter, sister, friend, etc. I feel like I just take and don't have anything to give. It's hard to have to be selfish. I don't want to, but it's the only way I'll survive right now. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone around me because I don't have much to contribute as I'm busy taking care of myself. I feel like these selfish ways project an image of not having time for my family and friends. I feel that I project this person that people can only talk to if they are asking how I am doing. I know most of this is made up in my mind but it is still how I feel. I still want to be a great friend and no matter how hard I may be struggling I still will always be there for the people in my life. Maybe it's not as constant or as well as before but I still want to be there for my people, especially those that have so generously dealt with me during this hard time.

Since my world has to completely revolve around me right now, I feel like the immediate people around me have to focus on me too and therefore I feel like I'm always a burden, especially to my parents. Now I know that most of that is made up in my mind; because, although my parents will do anything for me, they are still living their own lives. It's just hard. It's hard to have to feel so dependent and to always need help. I hate that my parents always have to check in with me before they do something and that there are times they won't leave me because I'm having a hard time. I am forever grateful for this but I also feel incredibly guilty for it. I hate feeling like a burden, but I don't know how to convince myself that the people that are still in my life and by my side through all this don't see me as a burden and still want me in their lives.

Like I've said nothing has been done to make me feel like other people think I'm a burden but I still can't shake that feeling. If anyone has any advice on how to get over this feeling I would love to hear it. For now I'll start with having these quotes on repeat. 


Until next time. 💜

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