Surviving Fresno

From June 23rd to July 2nd I found myself in downtown Fresno for ten days of Miss California. It has honestly taken me this long to recover, and when I look back on that time my first thought is, "Wow! I survived," usually followed by, "How in the world did I do that?" Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and I am so glad I went, but I would be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. I thought I would share with you all what it was like for me to be there and how I survived the ups and the downs. 

When my mom and I arrived in Fresno on Friday, it was a lovely 109 degrees out and I immediately wondered what I got myself into. I knew it was going to be hot, but thinking about it being hot and then actually walking into this heat even for just five minutes is a completely different story. Shortly after we arrived in Fresno, we went on a trip to the local Target and this is the first obstacle I faced. We went to Target before we had the chance to unpack so I was still in my driving clothes, which was leggings and a tank top. I thought I would be fine since I would only be out in the heat to walk from the air conditioned hotel to the air conditioned car to the air conditioned store and back but I was wrong. Within five minutes of the drive to Target (which was about ten minutes away) I was convinced I was going to pass out and felt like I was melting. I was so overheated, light headed, and was regretting ever leaving the comfort of the hotel. I quickly spiraled into panic mode and if it weren't for the fact that it wasn't just me and my mom, I would have audibly been begging for the car to turn around.  With a flushed face and panic filled eyes, I looked at my mom in the backseat and told her I couldn't do this. We devised a plan that we would drop the others off at Target, then my best friend would drive my mom and me back to the hotel and go back and pick them up.  If you know me you know how immediately guilty I was at the thought of this. My mind and body were telling me that I needed to get out of there but my conscience was telling me to suck it up and not be a burden on everyone. I quickly started assessing the situation and figured out a way to possibly make it through this, so that by the time we got to Target I was willing to give it a try. I thought that I just needed to step in to the AC and all my problems would be fixed. My willingness to fix things helped me make an even better plan where I immediately bought an ice water from Starbucks (luckily located in Target) and then went and found shorts to buy in the store and put them on. I was already feeling ten times better and managed to make it through the entire trip. Feeling proud of myself, I was ready to conquer 10 days in Fresno and thought that the worst would be behind me.

 Then I woke up on Saturday.

Saturday morning was filled with tears, panic, and wanting to run away. I was already exhausted and had no idea how I was going to survive. I wanted to leave right away and just go home but I also knew I made a commitment. What part of me would win? My mom and I agreed that we would stick it out the rest of the day to help out, see how I felt and that if I still truly believed that the best option was to leave we would go. I thankfully ended up making it through Saturday and Sunday with little issue, but was still pretty on edge from time to time. I originally had cancelled my therapy session for the time I was in Fresno since I knew I would be busy, but after my Saturday morning I knew my chances of making it through would be so much better if I could have a session. Luckily for me my session was still open, so Monday afternoon I found myself laying all my fears out for my therapist.

I feel the need to mention that I wanted to be in Fresno the whole time. No one was forcing me to stay and I could have left at any moment, but I really didn't want to do that. Throughout the panic I was having a lot of fun and really enjoyed being there. That's why I'm so thankful I got to talk to my therapist and have her help me put things into perspective. She reminded me how important it was for me to rest before I felt at zero energy and that it is completely okay to need to take care of my body. I honestly don't know if I would have made it throughout the week without talking to her, because she helped me minimize my feelings of guilt and regret and instead focus on the positive. The rest of the time went rather smoothly. I had moments of panic but was able to rest and address them as needed. I ended up skipping a show and a half of prelims, which I hated, but I'm glad I did because it helped me make it through everything else with little issue.

On the positive side of things I got to jump into volunteer mode, which is a place of comfort for me. I got to use my tech skills to help make hundreds of badges, help sell tickets and work the door for the events. I got to see the importance of volunteers in making Miss California such a successful scholarship program, along with getting to meet many of these wonderful people. At a time when I've been feeling like I haven't been contributing to society I'm especially grateful to have had this opportunity.  Volunteering holds a special place in my heart and I'm so glad I was able to address and face my fears and successfully make it through the experience.

 

All in all I would definitely put Fresno in the success column. I was able to cheer on one of my longest friends as she took the Miss California stage for the last time, along with a ton of other people whom I love. I got to see someone who is like a little sister to me take the stage for the last time as she passed on her title as Miss California's Outstanding Teen. I got to meet Miss America, who is just the sweetest. I got to spend ten days with my best friend and our moms. I got to give back to an organization that has given me so much and helped shaped me into who I am today. Most importantly, I got a chance to prove to myself that I can still be the person that I want and still do the things I want. I just may need to take a nap along the way. 

Until next time. 💜