Dancing Through Anxiety

I always feel the need to apologize when I haven't written in forever but then I feel like why should I apologize when it's my blog and I just write when I have something to write? So basically sorry that I haven't written in a while but also not sorry because I'm trying to cut back on saying sorry unnecessarily all the time. I've been doing really good lately, fighting obstacles that have previously seemed impossible and I wouldn't even try to fight. For some reason I have a hard time figuring out how to write about the good. I don't want to seem like I'm bragging and I also don't want to jinx myself or paint this picture that I'm all better when in reality I've just had a few good days in a row. Things haven't been 100% easy for me, there have definitely been some struggles and rough moments and Xanax, but at the end of the day I've had an overall feeling of good. After this feeling lasts for a few days I start to panic. Yup, I pani...

I just finished reading Hi, Anxiety - Life With a Bad Case of Nerves by Kat Kinsman and loved it. Reading is something that I love to do. I'm always in the middle of a book, if not multiple books, and feel incomplete when I'm not. Reading books about other people's experiences with mental health has been one thing that has helped me out a lot throughout my journey so far. Battling an illness can feel so lonely and it's sometimes easier to just go at by yourself than try to find the words that accurately explain how you're feeling to others. That's why I love books like this so much because these authors have found a way to put my feelings into words that I can share with others and have also reassured me that I really am not alone. For me personally something I struggle with is feeling completely unlovable because of my illness in all types of relationships in my life. One of my fears is that I will never find a guy who will love me for me, anxiousness and all...

As I explained last week I've been feeling on more of an uphill climb into the world of a "normal" human being. With this comes the confusion of feeling good then not good, feeling capable and then needing rest. Basically I have to continuously test and push my limits to see what I'm ready and not ready for. It's a lot of back and forth and honestly sometimes it can be pretty frustrating but it's a necessary step in my journey of progress. This weekend I had the chance to volunteer at the Strawberry Festival 🍓🍓which takes place in my hometown every Memorial Day Weekend. This was a pretty big test for myself and my limits. Not only did I commit to four days in a row of doing something, it was also going to be in a place full of triggers for me: crowds, outside weather, set time periods, responsibility. I knew that I could do it for at least one of the events but helping for all four days was going to be a stretch for me so I was a little nervous. The differen...

Wow has it been a while! I have to apologize for the lack of posting recently but I've been making some great steps forward and wasn't sure how to write about them. I've been feeling on the brink of a good progress for a while now but still felt nervous about it and didn't know how to live in the moment and let it happen.  It all started when I realized a common factor in my life was that I would panic during the car ride to somewhere and then would either have to fight through a panic attack or turn around and go home. I was missing out on things I wanted to do and couldn't figure out how to conquer this until I found a way to take back control. I realized (with the help of my therapist of course) that one of the reasons I would panic during car rides is because I had this fear that if I was in a really bad place whoever was driving the car wouldn't listen to me and wouldn't do what I needed to be done, whether that was to pull over, turn around, etc. Aft...

So I've been in this kind of weird place lately, where I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff trying to jump across to safety, but in a good way. Crazy right? Let me explain. I've come to the point where it feels like I'm ready to take a big leap in my progress, and through working on conquering these panic attacks that have moved from my mind to my body, I should be moving into the direction of connecting my mind and body and handling my anxiety with more ease. I'm not quite there yet but I can feel it coming, so that's where I get that feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. I'm preparing to jump, but I'm not quite ready yet, because I haven't finished building up my tools to believe that I can successfully make the jump without letting myself fall. I don't really know if this makes sense to any of you out there, but when my therapist and I had a conversation about this I felt that it perfectly described the unease but hope I am fe...

I have to apologize once again for being so MIA lately. I had an exciting volunteer opportunity that I was really focused on and then my body caught some type of stomach bug that has caused me to do nothing but relax and reset the past few days. Along with this I had no idea what I wanted to write about. I had multiple ideas but nothing was taking form in my mind and I always feel like I can't post my thoughts until they are these grand posts of wisdom and experience. I know that's a little ridiculous but, hey, it's what happens in my mind. Anyways, I thought I would catch you all up on what's been going on and what I'm trying to really focus on.  As I said earlier, I had an exciting volunteer opportunity come up. Well actually, I made it happen, which is also super exciting. Through therapy and getting to know myself better, I've developed a more clear vision of what I want to do with my life and one night I was searching the internet when I couldn't slee...

Although it has become quite obvious to me that I have been struggling with anxiety my whole life, I always say that my current journey started from not knowing how to grieve. Who knows if this is true or not but as someone who likes to have answers it was easier for me to have something to blame. It's hard because as a perfectionist I imagine there to be some sore of guideline for everything in life including grieving, but as we all know that's not a thing. Everyone grieves differently, everyone handles loss differently, and even if you have a grip on it somehow it manages to still sneak up on you at the most random of times.  Grief is something I've obviously struggled with over the last couple of years. It has seemed to consume me but never decrease at all. I'm someone who needs to talk and cry through my feelings but I tend to feel like that's not allowed so instead I just sit there and focus on how sad I am and find myself going through the motions of life ...