Dancing Through Anxiety

Having depression and anxiety is hard and it sucks. There are obvious reasons why mental illness is no fun, but one of the hardest things for me right now on my journey in fighting this is how selfish I have to be. I have to work on myself; because, whether I like it or not, I am the only one who can fight the monster that often takes residence in my head. I have to spend my days working on myself and checking in with myself to make sure I'm okay. Not only do I not get to do a majority of the stuff I want to do because my body has other plans, but I also don't really get to be the person I want to be. I used to pride myself on the kind of person I was, whether it was in the role of daughter, sister, friend, mentor, or so on. A relationship is two sided, full of give and take, where both people benefit. At this point in time, I feel like I'm failing at that. I feel like I'm a bad daughter, sister, friend, etc. I feel like I just take and don't have anything to...

From June 23rd to July 2nd I found myself in downtown Fresno for ten days of Miss California. It has honestly taken me this long to recover, and when I look back on that time my first thought is, "Wow! I survived," usually followed by, "How in the world did I do that?" Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and I am so glad I went, but I would be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. I thought I would share with you all what it was like for me to be there and how I survived the ups and the downs.   When my mom and I arrived in Fresno on Friday, it was a lovely 109 degrees out and I immediately wondered what I got myself into. I knew it was going to be hot, but thinking about it being hot and then actually walking into this heat even for just five minutes is a completely different story. Shortly after we arrived in Fresno, we went on a trip to the local Target and this is the first obstacle I faced. We went to Target before we had the chance to unpack s...

Wow it has been a long time since I've written a post and I have really missed it these past couple of weeks! I have so much to share with you all especially about how I survived Miss California week but I'm just not ready. I would be lying if I said I wasn't struggling right now and I told you I would share the good and the bad with you so here's a glimpse into the bad. I feel pretty stuck right now. I'm struggling to see my worth. I'm struggling to convince myself I'm not pointless. I'm struggling to believe this is something I'll really learn to live with. I'm struggling to understand how I will ever manage to live the life I want to live. I'm struggling to see how I will ever again be the independent strong person I used to be. Im struggling to see how I will ever be a role model. I'm struggling to see how I'm not just wasting my life away and everyone else's time that has to deal with me. I feel it's important to not...

I have a mental illness. I am not defined by my mental illness but I definitely have one. If you've read any of my other blog posts you're probably thinking something along the lines of "are you really just figuring this out?". Obviously I know that anxiety, panic disorder, and depression are forms of mental illness. I even address them as my illnesses. The thing is I've never felt mentally ill until recently. When I was sick last week my defenses were down so of course my negative thoughts and inner critic were in full swing. This wasn't a new feeling for me but what was a new feeling is that I felt mentally ill. For the first time I could look at myself and think something isn't right in my mind right now. My therapist helped explain it to me so hopefully what she said will help me make more sense to you all. Previous times when I've been depressed or especially anxious I was so wrapped up in those feelings that they felt completely normal ...

So this past week, well starting Wednesday, I found myself sick once again or still. Honestly I don't even know anymore, all I know is that I was weak, felt bad, and spent most of my days sleeping. When I get sick my anxiety tends to come out to play and it usually likes to bring it's friend depression. I will sit there and throw myself a pity party about why am I sick again? Why can't I just have one thing go my way? Blah, blah, blah. I'm not the funnest person to be around, but at the same time I'm realizing that this is a time to re-set my motivation for when I am healthy again to help prove to myself that I am stronger than I think. I keep a quote journal for when times get tough that I can read through and have little reminders that where I'm at is temporary and I can get through this. When I'm in a really bad place I'll even have someone else read the quotes to me because I tend to not believe anything I tell myself and it has actually been really...

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! I'm feeling especially thankful today and wanted to share that feeling with you all. This post is an open thank you letter to everyone I have come across in life whether it be now or in the future, I just wanted to remind you all how grateful I am for your support. I wanted to start by piggy backing off of my last post and take a moment to thank the immediate people in my life. Thank you for always being understanding if I have to cancel. Thank you for still inviting me the next time even if I cancelled the previous time. Thanks for never giving up on me and supporting me while I'm more sensitive. Thank you for not judging me when I need to stay home because I'm not up for something. Thank you for always checking up on me. Thank you for still being there for me at this time that I can't always be there for you in the way I would like. Most importantly, thank you for treating me the same and allowing me the comfort of knowing...

Over the past year I have come to strongly dislike the word want. The hardest thing for me is when people ask me if I want to do something because almost 100% of the time the answer is yes. The problem is that my body doesn't always agree. Do I want to go out to a nice dinner? Absolutely. Do I think I can? I'll let you know. What makes it worse is that I'll be having a really good day so I'll make plans thinking that I'll still be okay in let's say three days, but then that day comes and I just can't do it. Then I have to cancel, which I hate, and somehow explain that it's not that I don't want to I just can't make it work physically and mentally. In learning how to trust myself more and listen to what my body is telling me this concept of being able to do something has taken a new turn. Now, sometimes I assess a situation and can tell that it will not have a positive result for me even if it's something I really want to do. This al...