Dancing Through Anxiety

When I had my first panic attack a little over two years ago I thought I was dying. There is no better way to describe it, even though we have no idea what death actually feels like. I couldn't breathe and I was convinced this was the end. It was scary and horrifying and a tad bit embarrassing. Once you recover and realize you aren't actually dying and you are actually breathing, it feels like you should have been able to know that in the moment too. However, if you've ever experienced a panic attack then you understand this is hardly the case. After the first one happened I never wanted to experience that feeling again. I wouldn't want anyone to experience that feeling, even my own worst enemy. Unfortunately, though, they kept happening and even more unfortunately, they got worse. If I thought the first one was bad I was mistaken, although at least now I knew what was going on. I always thought, though, that if I had the answer to why something was happening or what ...

So I've been doing really well lately and making a lot of progress. I've gained confidence and hope that I will once again be able to live the life I want to live. I'm obviously not there yet but I've been able to do more and more things and survive tough situations that have previously seemed impossible. Whenever I'm doing good I tend to not know what to write about in my blog posts. For one thing, I don't want to seem like I'm bragging about doing well because even through the good days I am almost always struggling with something. The other thing is that I don't want to be seen as doing well and then not be believed when I'm struggling or fall into a down moment. Basically to sum it up I have a huge fear surrounding making progress.  With every good day that passes and every bad moment I make it through comes excitement, but that excitement also comes followed by fear that it's all going to end soon. I feel like I am almost always waiting ...

Now that I've gotten my mental health somewhat under control, at least in terms of panic attacks and being able to handle my day to day anxiety, I've realized just how badly I need to spend some time focusing on my physical health. The problem is I have no idea what to do and I still need to be able to take care of my mental health along the way. When it comes to working out and being healthy I have zero motivation and then when I actually do find motivation I'm so out of shape that I can't do very much before I'm completely worn out. There are a few things I'm trying to incorporate into my daily life to help me form healthy habits that will hopefully lead me to becoming a healthier version of myself, both mentally and physically.  1. Watching Calories - Now this is something that I know can not always be helpful. I'm not going to starve myself if I'm hungry but I have no calories left for the day. This is more of a way to hold myself accountable to ea...

I always feel the need to apologize when I haven't written in forever but then I feel like why should I apologize when it's my blog and I just write when I have something to write? So basically sorry that I haven't written in a while but also not sorry because I'm trying to cut back on saying sorry unnecessarily all the time. I've been doing really good lately, fighting obstacles that have previously seemed impossible and I wouldn't even try to fight. For some reason I have a hard time figuring out how to write about the good. I don't want to seem like I'm bragging and I also don't want to jinx myself or paint this picture that I'm all better when in reality I've just had a few good days in a row. Things haven't been 100% easy for me, there have definitely been some struggles and rough moments and Xanax, but at the end of the day I've had an overall feeling of good. After this feeling lasts for a few days I start to panic. Yup, I pani...

I just finished reading Hi, Anxiety - Life With a Bad Case of Nerves by Kat Kinsman and loved it. Reading is something that I love to do. I'm always in the middle of a book, if not multiple books, and feel incomplete when I'm not. Reading books about other people's experiences with mental health has been one thing that has helped me out a lot throughout my journey so far. Battling an illness can feel so lonely and it's sometimes easier to just go at by yourself than try to find the words that accurately explain how you're feeling to others. That's why I love books like this so much because these authors have found a way to put my feelings into words that I can share with others and have also reassured me that I really am not alone. For me personally something I struggle with is feeling completely unlovable because of my illness in all types of relationships in my life. One of my fears is that I will never find a guy who will love me for me, anxiousness and all...

As I explained last week I've been feeling on more of an uphill climb into the world of a "normal" human being. With this comes the confusion of feeling good then not good, feeling capable and then needing rest. Basically I have to continuously test and push my limits to see what I'm ready and not ready for. It's a lot of back and forth and honestly sometimes it can be pretty frustrating but it's a necessary step in my journey of progress. This weekend I had the chance to volunteer at the Strawberry Festival 🍓🍓which takes place in my hometown every Memorial Day Weekend. This was a pretty big test for myself and my limits. Not only did I commit to four days in a row of doing something, it was also going to be in a place full of triggers for me: crowds, outside weather, set time periods, responsibility. I knew that I could do it for at least one of the events but helping for all four days was going to be a stretch for me so I was a little nervous. The differen...

Wow has it been a while! I have to apologize for the lack of posting recently but I've been making some great steps forward and wasn't sure how to write about them. I've been feeling on the brink of a good progress for a while now but still felt nervous about it and didn't know how to live in the moment and let it happen.  It all started when I realized a common factor in my life was that I would panic during the car ride to somewhere and then would either have to fight through a panic attack or turn around and go home. I was missing out on things I wanted to do and couldn't figure out how to conquer this until I found a way to take back control. I realized (with the help of my therapist of course) that one of the reasons I would panic during car rides is because I had this fear that if I was in a really bad place whoever was driving the car wouldn't listen to me and wouldn't do what I needed to be done, whether that was to pull over, turn around, etc. Aft...