Dancing Through Anxiety

I have a mental illness. I am not defined by my mental illness but I definitely have one. If you've read any of my other blog posts you're probably thinking something along the lines of "are you really just figuring this out?". Obviously I know that anxiety, panic disorder, and depression are forms of mental illness. I even address them as my illnesses. The thing is I've never felt mentally ill until recently. When I was sick last week my defenses were down so of course my negative thoughts and inner critic were in full swing. This wasn't a new feeling for me but what was a new feeling is that I felt mentally ill. For the first time I could look at myself and think something isn't right in my mind right now. My therapist helped explain it to me so hopefully what she said will help me make more sense to you all. Previous times when I've been depressed or especially anxious I was so wrapped up in those feelings that they felt completely normal ...

So this past week, well starting Wednesday, I found myself sick once again or still. Honestly I don't even know anymore, all I know is that I was weak, felt bad, and spent most of my days sleeping. When I get sick my anxiety tends to come out to play and it usually likes to bring it's friend depression. I will sit there and throw myself a pity party about why am I sick again? Why can't I just have one thing go my way? Blah, blah, blah. I'm not the funnest person to be around, but at the same time I'm realizing that this is a time to re-set my motivation for when I am healthy again to help prove to myself that I am stronger than I think. I keep a quote journal for when times get tough that I can read through and have little reminders that where I'm at is temporary and I can get through this. When I'm in a really bad place I'll even have someone else read the quotes to me because I tend to not believe anything I tell myself and it has actually been really...

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! I'm feeling especially thankful today and wanted to share that feeling with you all. This post is an open thank you letter to everyone I have come across in life whether it be now or in the future, I just wanted to remind you all how grateful I am for your support. I wanted to start by piggy backing off of my last post and take a moment to thank the immediate people in my life. Thank you for always being understanding if I have to cancel. Thank you for still inviting me the next time even if I cancelled the previous time. Thanks for never giving up on me and supporting me while I'm more sensitive. Thank you for not judging me when I need to stay home because I'm not up for something. Thank you for always checking up on me. Thank you for still being there for me at this time that I can't always be there for you in the way I would like. Most importantly, thank you for treating me the same and allowing me the comfort of knowing...

Over the past year I have come to strongly dislike the word want. The hardest thing for me is when people ask me if I want to do something because almost 100% of the time the answer is yes. The problem is that my body doesn't always agree. Do I want to go out to a nice dinner? Absolutely. Do I think I can? I'll let you know. What makes it worse is that I'll be having a really good day so I'll make plans thinking that I'll still be okay in let's say three days, but then that day comes and I just can't do it. Then I have to cancel, which I hate, and somehow explain that it's not that I don't want to I just can't make it work physically and mentally. In learning how to trust myself more and listen to what my body is telling me this concept of being able to do something has taken a new turn. Now, sometimes I assess a situation and can tell that it will not have a positive result for me even if it's something I really want to do. This al...

If we have ever had a conversation in person you have probably heard me talk about my sleeping hours, most likely saying something along the line of "I just want to sleep normal human hours". Unfortunately my relationship with sleep is nothing close to normal.  When trying to describe my problem sleeping to people I often drift towards the word insomnia but that honestly isn't the case. I can sleep, I could be a professional sleeper, that's just not the problem. The problem is the hours I spend sleeping and the quality of my sleep. I normally end up sleeping from about 3 am to 8 or 9 am and then fall back asleep around 10 or 11 am and wake up again anywhere between 1 and 4 pm. I often waste my day sleeping and I hate it. I dread night time when everyone else goes to bed because I know I will be laying there wide awake for hours fighting sleep. Even worse is when I am tired and then the second I lay down in bed I am suddenly wide awake. I also sometimes will r...

I've been doing good lately, like really good. Almost surprising myself with the things that I can do today that I couldn't even manage just a few short months ago. Though while recognizing my new found abilities I also became aware of a new problem and the next step to work on. My independence. I am great at getting through a difficult moment or panic situation when I'm with my parents. I honestly feel like I can conquer just about anything thrown my way with them by my side. The funny thing, though, is even when I'm with them and start to panic the main thing I use them for is a familiar face and to have someone else be aware that I'm having a tough moment. Other than that, the actual conquering of said panic/difficult situation I do by myself. So why can't I do it by myself without them around? The thought of adventuring out on my own even if I'm just going to the grocery store is quite terrifying to me. Who would be there for me if something r...

Today I'm feeling uninspired. I have so many different topics and things I want to write about but none of them feel ready to put out into the universe. After sitting and  thinking and procrastinating I finally decided that I want to spend this post talking about therapy or, probably more appropriately, I should say ranting about therapy. We live in a society where therapy is viewed as a negative. There are so many moments where you read or hear about some alternative to therapy that's better because it's "cheaper than therapy" and also includes the benefit of not having to admit you have a therapist. That may be true. Therapy isn't cheap, running or going to the beach or talking to friends is 100% cheaper but it's not the same. In my mind therapy is irreplaceable. There's something so freeing about being able to ramble your truest thoughts and have someone help you work through them. I don't have to worry about not making sense, I don’t have ...