Regaining My Independence

I've been doing good lately, like really good. Almost surprising myself with the things that I can do today that I couldn't even manage just a few short months ago. Though while recognizing my new found abilities I also became aware of a new problem and the next step to work on. My independence. I am great at getting through a difficult moment or panic situation when I'm with my parents. I honestly feel like I can conquer just about anything thrown my way with them by my side. The funny thing, though, is even when I'm with them and start to panic the main thing I use them for is a familiar face and to have someone else be aware that I'm having a tough moment. Other than that, the actual conquering of said panic/difficult situation I do by myself.

So why can't I do it by myself without them around? The thought of adventuring out on my own even if I'm just going to the grocery store is quite terrifying to me. Who would be there for me if something really terrible happened? Has something really terrible happened to me in regards to my anxiety lately? Not at all, but without my backup plan it's hard for me to understand how I could survive a situation by myself. Now you may be thinking why not have a backup plan for when you are by yourself and not only when you're with your parents or someone else you know? Well yeah, you're probably right and I know that's what I should do, but honestly I don't know how. I feel so guilty when I have to ask people for help, my parents included, that the idea of being in a situation where I would possibly have to ask a stranger for help or wait until someone I know can get to me doesn't really sound appealing.  The problem is I don't trust myself to ask for help if I really needed it or trust myself to get through it on my own even though that's what I almost always do; AND this is assuming I panic, because in my mind I never could just make it through a situation with no problem. On top of this, the main problem I've come to realize with the help of my therapist is that my fear of gaining independence stems from the fear of not being able to ask for help anymore. I feel that once I start to be okay that takes away my ability to ask for help and others' willingness to help me. Where does the world say that you can only ask for help when you are in a crippling state? It doesn't and I am trying really hard to convince myself that it is okay to be independent and still ask for help when I need it. Another issue I have with being independent is that I struggle to fully trust myself. I have so many tools that have proven to get me through a tough time so why can't I believe in myself enough to use these tools by myself if I needed them? I hope that in gaining back some independence I'll be able to gain back the trust that I can take care of myself.

For example, on Monday my parents, brother, and I went to Ontario for a hockey game spur of the moment. Traffic plus a pounding headache and I was ready to go home before we even got there, but I was with my parents so I was able to survive. Now last night I really wanted to go to an Anaheim Ducks watch party with my friends that I haven't seen in forever and I miss so much, but since my parents wouldn't be there I didn't think I could get through it. I would love to sit here and tell you that I made it through by myself but I didn't. My mom was kind enough to go with me and sit at an outdoor watch party for a team that isn't her own. I learned an important lesson. I don't need my parents to be okay. I'm lucky to be surrounded by some of the most amazing friends a girl could ask for. The amount of support they give me is incredible and I don't even know how to express just how grateful I am for them. I knew that if I had a bad moment any one of them would have helped me get through it. It was a nice reassurance to know that as much as my brain likes to tell me I'm alone and I can't survive without my parents this is not the case. Whether I'm by myself, with my friends, or with my parents I am strong and I am capable. I can't wait to grow my independence going forward and learn to trust myself all over again.

This is where my current focus is, regaining my independence. Now the only reason I'm willing to work on this is because  I feel ready and I want to do this, no one is pressuring me and I don't believe that it is pushing myself more than is smart at this time. This is a step that I've never felt ready for before this past week and it's a step my therapist also feels is time to take so we made a plan. In my mind regaining my independence is something that has to be done all at once which is why it seems so terrifying, but my therapist helped me realize that it should be a process involving many steps. So step one is to spend at least an hour out of the house without my parents two days this week. This could be going on a walk, going to a coffee shop to read, or grabbing coffee/lunch/dinner with friends. My therapist helped me realize that I don't need to take a giant step to be making progress and I don't even need to be completely alone to regain my independence. Honestly without hearing this from her I can guarantee you it would be a long time before I would be willing to try this, but after our conversation I'm so excited to work on being there for myself again.

If anyone has any advice on steps to take to work on trusting oneself and taking steps towards a more independent lifestyle I would love to hear them! Also if anyone ever wants to grab coffee I would love for some of my outings to be with with the amazing people in my life.

Until next time. 💜