Greetings From Santa Cruz

I am writing this post from beautiful Santa Cruz and although it's been cold and rainy I've been having a great time and more importantly I MADE IT! This trip has been fun and relaxing for me but it also has helped me so much in learning what I am capable of and really testing me on my ability to listen to my body and put my needs first when necessary. I thought I would recount my vacation so far for you all and explain how I've managed to make it through (not always but mostly) a variety of situations with little to no anxiety.

Friday: The drive. This was easily the part of the trip I was most hesitant about. I had more nerves concerning a six hour drive than spending a week away from home so I had tons of preparations in place and different plans for how to make it through this drive with minimal anxiety. The morning of the drive I was considering taking a Xanax because I just couldn't see how I was going to be okay. I don't like taking Xanax unless I need it and I was feeling fine but I was completely doubtful of myself and my tools. I finally decided not to take the Xanax and save it for in case I started feeling really bad, and I'm so glad I did. I was able to make it through the drive with complete ease, even when there was traffic. I know that if I had taken the Xanax I would have believed in myself less and that probably would have changed the way the rest of the trip went, so I'm glad I talked myself into believing I'm stronger than I think.

Saturday: Saturday was a day my parents and I both decided to not really plan anything for with the assumption that I would be exhausted and not really feeling adventurous after conquering the drive, especially since we didn't know how it would go. However after sleeping normal hours (for the first time in months) I was up and feeling great. We went to lunch on the pier and then shopping in downtown. Although I had a moment of feeling bad at lunch I was able to distinguish and convince myself that I was just hungry and that I wasn't panicking and was able to make it through the rest of the afternoon with ease.

If you go to Santa Cruz you have to visit the Sock Shop and the book store!

Sunday: Sunday was definitely the most difficult day for me and truly put me to the test. I feel like I failed but I'm trying to talk myself out of that. I really wanted to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium before my parents left to go off on their own for a few days, but this was also the best day for us to have dinner with my family in San Jose. Both things I really wanted to do and both things fit in best on Sunday. Since I had been feeling great and I decided to be ambitious and believe I could handle both of these adventures in one day. I have to admit that things did not go as planned. We woke up and headed to the aquarium in the morning and I was able to manage that pretty well. I distracted myself by taking pictures and I really enjoyed the exhibits but when I reached my limit of being surrounded by people pushing and shoving I needed to get out of there immediately before I spiraled into problem mode. We left early enough that I figured we would stop by the house in Santa Cruz, change and rest for a little bit, and then head on our way to San Jose. However, on the way home from the aquarium there was a car crash on a one lane road and we were stuck. Miles and miles, or so it seemed, of stop and go traffic. Now after all my driving adventures I should have been able to handle this, but after using all my energy dealing with people at the aquarium I was struggling. I tried to sleep but couldn't relax enough to get any rest and I just started to feel miserable. 

When we got home I needed to sleep, I could fit in about a half hour nap before we needed to go and that sounded perfect to me. However, after thirty minutes my parents woke me up and I was a mess. I was exhausted, my body hurt, and I felt completely sick. I didn't realize how much energy I had used up the past few days but it all decided to hit me in this moment and I hated it. I kept asking my parents to give me a few more minutes and then I would be up and ready to go. This didn't happen. I just felt worse. The hardest thing for me is that all I wanted to do was go visit my family in San Jose but my body was telling me no no no. After crying and not wanting to make a decision we decided that I was in no position to travel or really do anything besides lay in bed. I knew this was the right choice but I was so upset about it. I felt insanely guilty and continued to until talking to my therapist on Monday afternoon. It's hard because I knew I was tired and I knew that if I pushed myself I would easily enter into panic territory but I still didn't feel like this justified not going because my exhaustion ruined five other people's plans. It's hard because I've been working on listening to what my body needs but when your body needs something different than what you want it's disappointing. If you didn't already assume the rest of Sunday was spent filled with guilt and exhaustion. I was happy to go to bed and have Monday be better.

Monday: One of the things I struggle with the most is having a bad day and then having a good day. I'm so happy I was able to have my therapy session on Monday afternoon because I could just not get rid of the guilty feeling that was clouding over me. Monday I was still exhausted but I also felt bad for wanting to do anything. It's so hard for me to have to cancel on someone for legitimate reasons and then be able to do something the next day. I feel guilty for it and I feel that I don't deserve it. I don't ever want someone to think I'm cancelling on them for no reason so I feel I need to stay in a not okay place to further prove I wasn't okay in that moment that I canceled. That's the crazy thing about anxiety though, you can feel like you can't even walk from the bedroom to the bathroom one day and then the next day it's like it never happened. My therapist really helped me try to find ways to let go of the guilt so that I could still enjoy the rest of my vacation. I still took it easy Monday because I was feeling tired so the only adventurous thing I did was get my nails done with my mom and aunt, and if we're being honest I totally was falling asleep the whole time. Monday night brought the moment for my parents to leave and although I was nervous I was so tired that I knocked out early without even realizing they were gone.

Tuesday: Tuesday was a lazy day that I very much needed. I spent the day with my aunt watching movies, reading, and crafting. It was perfect, especially since I still was feeling like I could fall asleep at any given moment even after having slept a full night.

That brings us to today which will be filled with staying inside and cooking because it is cold and rainy outside. I'm really having a great time but I can't say that it has been completely easy. This trip has really proved to me how living with anxiety is not about pushing it away, but instead creating a relationship with it and learning how to dance with it when it happens. I've been learning so much about myself and my relationships with all my different emotions these past few days and it feels great, but it is also a reminder that I still have such a long way to go.

Until next time 💜