I Am Important

During my most recent episode of depression I felt very lost in my purpose. I didn't feel important or that I really had a purpose in my everyday life. I wasn't going to school or working so why did I need to get out of bed? Why did I even need to get dressed? It wasn't until after I got out of this depression that I realized that I was working on me and that was important. It is important. Then I got sad when talking about this to my therapist because I didn't even feel that I was worthy enough to get up for. I mean how bad of a place do you have to be in to not think taking care of yourself is important? It was hard for me to face the truth that I didn't think I was worth getting out of bed for. In my mind if I wasn't doing something for someone else then my life didn't have purpose. Don't get me wrong I love helping people but one of the best ways to connect with someone else in my opinion is to truly understand yourself first. I had the answers on how to help take care of other people but when it came to me I was lost.

It was like a foreign concept to me in that moment, figuring out how to take care of myself and considering myself important. I could take myself and someone else and put us in the exact same position, something that actually recently happened when my dad and I were both sick. I would sit there and tell my dad he should go to the doctor, make sure he was taking medicine, just anything I could do to make sure he got better, my thoughts were all consumed with him getting healthy. When it came to me however I didn't have those same thoughts. I wasn't telling myself to go to the doctor or take medicine or rest, these thoughts didn't even really cross my mind. Even writing this out is hard, looking back and seeing how very unimportant I was to myself.

This is something that is very present for me and something I am working hard on trying to correct. I still have purpose and that purpose is working on myself and learning how to navigate life with this illness so that I can have the future I want to have. My therapist gave me great advice and that is to take every thought I have towards wanting to help someone else and to turn it inwards. For example going back to my dad and I both being sick, asking the question should he go to the doctor and then changing that to should I go to the doctor? This is what I'm trying to do moving forward. I feel guilty because I feel like I am being selfish taking care of myself first but honestly what good am I to someone else if I'm a mess? However, I know the time will come when I'm once again in a position to help others and take care of myself as well but until then I'm going to have to be selfish and focus on myself.

I leave you with this quote and cute picture that I hope will help you whenever you may be feeling this way and will help you remember that you are important. We all are important and it is okay if the only thing we accomplish in a day is taking care of ourselves because that is still something to be proud of.

"I am more than good enough and I get better every day." - Anonymous

Until next time. 💜