Progress Update

Wow I don't know about for you but for me it feels like FOREVER since I have posted on my blog! I super apologize! I was on vacation the week of Thanksgiving enjoying time with family and then after I came back I took a bit of a mental vacation to help ensure that I wouldn't fall into a post-vacation depression. So much has been going on these past couple weeks and still is, especially with Christmas coming up. I've had good days and bad days and everything in between but I feel like I'm overall in a pretty good place and have been making continuous forward progress. That's what I wanted to share today: two big things that have happened to me over this time that have really helped me understand just how far I have come and that my hard work is worth it. I have been working on both of these things since I started therapy a year and a half ago. You read that right, a YEAR AND A HALF ago and I'm just starting to fully understand and see those concepts come to life. If that isn't proof that working on yourself takes time and patience then I don't know what will.

The first thing happened while I was on vacation in NorCal during Thanksgiving break and honestly didn't even realize I was doing it until looking back at our trip. Up until recently, spur of the moment wasn't a phrase I used in my vocabulary. Anytime I wanted to do anything I had to think if it was something I could handle, what my plan would be to make it through, what steps can I take to ensure the best chance of making it through, what's my backup plan, and most importantly what's my escape plan. All of these things had to be considered and figured out along with evaluating my mood, the environment, the time, and a plethora of other factors. It was exhausting and I'm not saying I don't ever do this anymore, but when it happens it's still exhausting. It's also annoying. Sometimes I would rather just not do anything because it was easier than going through all these steps for a two hour outing. I didn't trust myself and my tools to just make it through a situation if things got bad for me, so I had to make these plans.

Well, in NorCal I definitely went with the flow for an entire week. We did tons of fun activities and outings that a couple of months ago I have no idea if I would have been able to handle, but that I was able to handle this time with ease. Not only that, I didn't even think of making my plans. I just went and knew that if something went wrong I could handle it. I trusted myself and my body enough to know when I needed to slow down or take a break, and because of that I was able to do what I wanted to and actually enjoy it instead of constantly checking in with myself. It was such a wonderful feeling. I wasn't constantly worrying and planning making me spend my time not even enjoying what I was doing. I felt so normal and capable and truly hope that I continue to hold on to this and move away from the days of constant planning and worrying for simple events.

The second thing happened this past weekend and it took me talking about it with my therapist to realize that it was a positive experience. On Saturday morning my parents and I headed to the Harvest Festival in Pomona, which is a craft fair we like to go to every year around Christmas time. I was really looking forward to it and handled the drive and entering the fair with ease. After walking through the first row I started to feel a little off from all the people and the hot temperature. I was able to go outside for a little air and figured I just needed a quick break and then I would be back on my feet. Boy was I wrong. I quickly spiraled into the worst panic attack I have had in a while. I started going through all my tools and tricks but nothing was working. The more things didn't work that usually help, the more I panicked. The only thing that was going to help was to leave but I didn't want to leave, plus my Dad had gone to get me a Sprite and the car was parked about a mile away, so leaving right away wasn't even an option. I felt trapped, scared, and out of control. We eventually got a cart to take us back to our car, but not before they brought the medic to me and I yelled at him to stop doing his job because it was only making things worse (don't worry, I apologized once I calmed down a little bit). By the time we got to the car I was exhausted, embarrassed, and feeling guilty.

Then Monday came along and I talked to my therapist about all this and she was actually proud of me. She helped me see things in a new perspective. This panic attack was a ten and that's okay. It's okay that sometimes the only answer is to leave, but as much as I felt out of control I was actually completely in control of the situation. Usually when I have a panic attack we use the analogy that my anxiety is driving the bus and I'm just a passenger holding on for dear life. This time, however, I was driving the bus and calling the shots. I knew why I was panicking, I knew what tools and tricks to try, I knew when they weren't working no matter how hard I tried and I needed to leave, I knew that having the medic evaluate me would only push me back into a panic when I was starting to finally calm down, and I knew that in this moment it was going to have to be okay that I was not okay. I know this probably sounds so simple but this was a huge step for me, I was taking care of myself in the moment instead of relying on others to fix my problem. Not only did I take control during my panic attack, but I also took control of my recovery. After I have a panic attack or a bad moment I usually feel that I don't deserve to recover quickly. I almost punish myself for panicking because I feel that I have to prove to everyone that I really wasn't okay. This time was different though and instead I wanted to prove that I had a panic attack and that was okay, but I'm going to move on and keep going, which is what I did when I attended a paint night later that evening (after a three hour nap) that I had already scheduled and paid for. At the end of the day, obviously I would have preferred not to have a panic attack, especially one that bad, but I'm thankful that I have been able to flip my perspective and turn this into a positive learning lesson and a chance to grow.

All in all I feel that these past couple of weeks for me have signified huge growth. I'm finally able to put concepts I have been talking about for a year and half into actions and things seem to be clicking in the right way. I know that my work is never done and there's still so much growth I want to accomplish but I'm trying to take a moment and appreciate how far I've come. I would love to hear any types of goals or growth you have accomplished these past couple weeks as well, feel free to share in the comments so we can celebrate together! 

Until next time. 💜