How Did I Get Here?

Looking back on my life knowing what I now know about anxiety, I can confidently say this is something that I have been struggling with my whole life. A lot of my anxiety prior to recently comes from a fear of judgment, a very low level of self-esteem, and a fear of very irrational situations I loved to make up in my mind. However it was always something I could kind of handle and get through on my own or with help from my parents until about two years ago. 

In February of 2015 my grandpa passed away and to say I was devastated would be an understatement. He was my last living grandparent and I just couldn't grasp what life was going to be like without him. This wasn't my first time dealing with death, even death of a grandparent, as I've been to almost as many funerals as years I am old but, this was the first time that the grief became unbearable (something I wasn't aware of at the time). After his passing I cried, went through the funeral, and honestly thought I was fine. It wasn't until a couple of weeks later that the panic attacks began to start. They would come at the most random times and I had no idea what they were.  I was convinced I was just sick so I went to the doctor where she told me that I was fine and it seems like I was describing anxiety and panic attacks. After having a panic attack in her office when I heard nothing was wrong with me, my doctor prescribed me some Xanax to take as needed and sent me on my way. The Xanax definitely helped me get through those tough times that I didn't think I could handle on my own. I eventually also started seeing a therapist. She helped me realize that my anxiety was stemming from grief that I had buried when my grandpa died and I found all of our sessions extremely beneficial and eventually went back to living my normal life.

Fast forward to a year later, I was in my last semester of college (or so I thought), I was living in an apartment with two of my best friends, I was working a job I loved, my panic attacks were under control, and I was feeling great. February brought about another death in my life and through the grieving of this death my body decided to let me know that my anxiety wasn't gone and I probably still had a lot more grief to process than I thought. I basically moved back in with my parents, quit my job, semi dropped out of school, and stopped going to therapy in a matter of weeks. I barely ate and I barely got out of bed. My panic attacks became the worst I had ever experienced to the point where I was convinced I was dying when they were happening. Hyperventilating while feeling like I can't breathe, losing the feeling in my left arm, losing my eye sight, and feeling like my brain was tingling and leaving my body all at the same time. Back to the doctor we went and she suggested I start taking a daily anxiety medication.  Being the stubborn person I was I didn't want to take the medication because I was convinced I could get through it on my own like I did last time. I figured I could just go to therapy and take my Xanax as needed, except I couldn't get myself to leave the house to go to therapy and my Xanax wasn't helping so I don't really know what I was thinking besides the fact that I was terrified of being stuck on this medication the rest of my life.

After moving past my denial and realizing I was depressed I agreed to try the medication and it was the best decision I've ever made. I also found a therapist that I have sessions with through a Skype like program so that I can still get help even when I'm going through those phases of not wanting to leave my house.

This brings us to where I am today. I take Lexapro daily, I see my therapist weekly, and I'm working on myself constantly. Is it where I thought I would be at this point in my life? Not at all and to be honest there are some days where this fact drives me crazy. However I am growing, learning, and most importantly surviving. I may not be living the life I dreamed but I am learning to dance with my illness and that is a lesson that will help me live out my dreams in the future. 

Phew this was a long one, but I felt it was very important to share this part of my story. It also is a huge step for me in my progress because I'm moving on from being ashamed to a place where I can openly talk about my experiences which is a HUGE deal for me. If you ever want to share a conversation about anxiety please please please reach out to me!

Until next time. 💜